Clearly inspired by my BDSM Workshop Bingo, a self-described “young, sexually dominant, Adult” made a BDSM Meetup Bingo board:
I made a new Bingo, for meetups ~
Cute. I like it. More interesting, however, are this person’s reflections upon attending a BDSM Scene event recently. Here’s what they had to say:
So I went to my first bdsm meet up. The prospect was simple:
If you like bdsm and want to talk to others, come to this place. A few obvious rules are stated (dress normally, don’t hit on everything that moves, be nice) -
I expected a bunch of “old” people (40+) and… found that. Let me go into detail;
The typical “Old man with money, younger wife that struggles with the fact that she is old and now looks like her skin is leather from all the things she tries to hide her age with”
The “40- something, husband and totally out of place looking guy” that never talks about bdsm, but a lot about politics and economics
The “35+ and desperate” guy that … basically acts like quagmire from Family Guy - Giggdy - shamelessly bothering anything that looks like a sub.
The “Passive Sub” - that simply never says anything, barley keeping herself from clinging to her husband.
Notice the gendered language. At the first reference to a submissive person, the “she” gender pronoun is used. And BDSM’ers wonder why I feel invisible?
The fat girl(s) - Lets be honest, they do tend to be into bdsm, god bless em. Quite nice to chat with actually~
The Painslut - the youngest person after me, 27 years old - takes great joy from the older people basically fighting over her. Very open, wanted me to play with her after a disturbingly short amount of time.
Note, again, “The Painslut” is referred to as “she.” Note, even more importantly, the unabashed promiscuity, who displayed it, and how. I have greater issues with this due to the fact that people who behave in the way described here tend to rarely, if ever, acknowledge that their ability to be socially supported in doing so is a privilege bestowed upon them by the BDSM Scene-State’s work-play economy. For those that don’t know, the BDSM Scene-State’s work-play economy works like this:
Click through for a full description. Anyway, continuing with the original poster’s reflections:
The male Sub - Talks a lot, loved by everyone, caters to any and every opinion - actually quite nice.
I’ve seen this person, too. Hell, for a couple years, I was this person. Note the final characteristic listed: caters to any and every opinion. Male submissives are totally welcome in the BDSM Scene, as long as we behave, in Matt Groening’s words, like “devious little weasels”:
On the other hand, if we don’t play nice with every privileged shit we meet, if we actually speak for ourselves, if we actually hold dissenting views and speak the fuck up about them, we’re not so well-treated.
The King & Queen “We’ve been here for 48 years, let us state that regularly and clearly”
Also known as “the Puny Kings of Puny Hills.”
The Old Guard “We are old. Therefore we know bdsm well. When you ask for tips and stories, we change topic though - very afraid of losing there position of “knows the most” and will quite rudely interrupt anyone else giving tips with pointless statements/jokes.
The young Dom (like me!) - Looks like a designer/hipster/programmer - they obviously read some books, they clearly enjoy hurting and playing people and answer your questions willingly - as long as you never doubt them.
Really just smalltalk most of the night, getting used to each other, naturally finding some comfort before the more kinky topics start up late at night - sadly they also are quite drunk at this time and the desperate fellas lose all limits, leading to a lot of awkward moment of subs trying to escape them.
I’m going to emphasize that last bit just because it deserves to be repeated: “a lot of awkward moments of subs trying to escape [doms].”
At first blush, it’s easy to gloss right over this sentence, to not realize the massive intrusion of rape culture into the BDSM Scene that this sentence illustrates. But that’s what it is: this is what rape culture looks like in the BDSM Scene.
Overall the preference was really limited to “receiving and inflicting pain”, with a foot-fetish and electro play as the only escapees i found.
And that is because most people in the semi-public BDSM Scene are brainwashed to adhere to a hierarchy of play that puts pain at the top. I call this “The Kink Culture of Fear.” It’s stupid, but it’s everywhere.
The crew was mostly men, but the ratio wasn’t to bad (2.5 guys to 1 female) - but I wouldn’t recommend there if you want to find the partner for your life. You can certainly get laid, thou~
While the ratio of humans at a BDSM Scene event is generally more evenly gender-balanced than is expected, a far more telling measure is the ratio of images (porn, photographs, etc.) present on the BDSM venue’s walls.
The community feeling is rather thick and you have to work your way in during the small talk, trying to ignore the inside jokes and reference to events you can’t know.
Yup. Clique clique clique clique clique.
What did I learn?
- BDSM communities can be pretty much like a swinger club.
- If you are young, people don’t think you can do “the bdsm” - but they are nice about it
Not only are they nice about it, they practically treat you like you’re a humanoid version of the 8th Wonder of the World, citing your extreme exceptionalism as justification for their unadulterated adultism. Again, it’s stupid, but it’s everywhere.
- Some clichés are true.
- Talk to male subs, they are quite pleasant and easy to approach.
Hey, THANKS FOR SAYING SO.
Do you have any idea how many times I’ve read a sentence like this? Once. In my whole life. However, do you have any idea how many times I’ve read sentences that are very much the opposite? Here’s just a tiny fraction of the things I see written about male submissives every day without even having to go looking for them most of the time:
These are all real quotes. Click through for their sources. There’s a ton more, but frankly I don’t have the emotional stamina to copy-and-paste them. If you’re reading and you have some more examples, by all means, add your own—and do it with links if you have them so others can find out who these people are.
- Subs may not talk a lot, but they are still watching you.
- They all shared a lot of personal, intimate things in play partys and so on - you are not part of this, but you can be. Respect that you have to earn that trust first.
- It’s actually pretty chill.
- Talking Dom to Dom can be educating, a nice circle jerk off “oh yeah [Dat feel]”
- Trying to explain your kinks and why you like them is HARD!
- Showing up as single-male isn’t that horrible, as long as you behave.
As you see, there was no direct advise - and overall any definite statements are rare, because even more then in Internet communities, people avoid actually running the risk of saying something that someone else may disagree with - after all you see these people in person, you don’t want them to know about your daddy-daughter fetish - even in the kink friendly group.
Even in the “outsider” group of BDSM, there are outsiders.
Truth. As Matt Cornell wrote, “listen to…outsiders, those individuals who put their bodies in the frame to agitate for more diverse images and better ideas. […] Perhaps [they] can show us a way out. A way to feel whole.”
People often ask me, is the BDSM Scene really “universally…that bad?” And I answer yes, it is. By all means, go there yourself if you don’t believe me. I guarantee you’ll eventually come to realize that these things I’ve been saying and writing for almost a decade now, are not far-flung fictions.
What this person who reflected on their first BDSM Scene meetup described is not an anomaly. The BDSM Scene is a global subculture that has spread like a virus across the globe.
Think about it. At every corner of the BDSM Scene, you’ll hear the same tropes, you’ll see the same dress codes, and you’ll notice the same demographics of people are excluded, marginalized, and gleefully denigrated. You’ll find the same retailers selling the same equipment, the same celebrities presenting the same material, and the same people (sometimes literally) spewing the same bullshit rhetoric, over and over and over again.
This is not just some loose, informal happenstance. The lack of diversity in the BDSM Scene-State is a symptom of its globalized, industrialized, capitalist impulse. It is a system worth destroying.
Still not convinced? Here are a couple additional reactions to my BDSM Workshop Bingo board, just from here on Tumblr:
- “SNAP. I wish I’d had this back in February for Dark Odyssey! I would’ve gotten bingo at least three times for the two classes I went to. Also: this applies to every workshop I’ve ever been to ever.” —joceyofdoom.tumblr.com
- “Ugh, I have heard almost all of those things over the years…” —rendclaw.tumblr.com