Male Submission Art

Art and visual erotica that depicts masculine submission.

We showcase beautiful imagery where men and other male-identified people are submissive subjects. We aim to challenge stereotypes of the "pathetic" submissive man. Learn more….

Your steward is maymay. Want to collaborate with me? It's easy: visit MaleSubmissionArt.com/submit or tag your Delicious.com bookmarks as for:MaleSubmissionArt! More ways to contribute….

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Original work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License. We make a concerted effort to attribute works properly; please show us, and the artists whose work we feature, the same courtesy. Please redistribute this work; you are not stealing.

JanesGuide.com says we are 'quality and original'!

ztvf7jsh8a
Thu Jul 3

maymay:

Welp, it got better. And by better I mean even more douchey. And by douchey I mean familiar.

Douchey Dom meme images in this set:

FEMALE ORGASM DENIAL? HOW’S THAT DIFFERENT FROM VANILLA SEX?

ALWAYS USES PROTECTION … BY MAKING HER SIGN A LEGAL WAIVER

AFTERCARE EXPERT … HAS BEEN TELLING WOMEN THEY ASKED FOR IT SINCE FIRST GIRLFRIEND

RESPECTS SUBMISSIVE MEN … THE SAME WAY HE “RESPECTS” ALL WOMEN

ASK FOR PERMISSION BEFORE YOU CUM … AND ALSO BEFORE YOU HANG WITH FRIENDS OR GO SHOPPING OR EAT OUT OR TALK TO OTHER GUYS

LISTENS INTENTLY TO RAPE ACCUSATION … SO HE CAN MASTURBATE TO IT LATER

INTO CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS … HAS ACTUALLY FORCIBLY INSERTED HIMSELF INTO CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS

Make your own here: http://memegenerator.net/Douchey-Dom

ztvf7jsh8a
Wed Jul 2
maymay:

This is not how BDSM’ers say consent works, but it is how BDSM’ers behave as it does.
Read more:
You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense
Explaining “Dominants are rapists” in excruciating detail: a step-by-step walkthrough
Your Kinks Are Not “BDSM”
Pay attention to what they actually do, not what they say that they do. See also, the “Douchey Dom” meme:

Accessible description:
[Image: Screenshot of a computer program’s End User License Agreement that has been altered to read “Kinkster License Agreeement” with the program icon altered to be a BDSM pride flag. Text: “KINKSTER LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR BDSM PLAY (“SCENE”) SINGLE USE LICENSE. PLEASE READ THIS KINKSTER LICENSE AGREEMENT (“LICENSE”) CAREFULLY BEFORE CONSENTING TO ENGAGE IN BDSM PLAY (A “SCENE”). BY ENGAGING IN A SCENE, YOU ARE AGREEING TO BE BOUND BY THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE, DO NOT ENGAGE IN BDSM PLAY. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THE LICENSE, YOU MAY CHALK UP YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH BDSM PLAY SO FAR AS “LESSON LEARNED” FOR A FULL REFUND OF YOUR CONSENT. FOR BDSM PLAY ALREADY EXPERIENCED BUT NO LONGER FEEL OKAY ABOUT, YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO CLAIM ANY VIOLATIONS DUE TO YOUR PRIOR AGREEMENT TO BE BOUND BY THIS LICENSE.]

maymay:

This is not how BDSM’ers say consent works, but it is how BDSM’ers behave as it does.

Read more:

Pay attention to what they actually do, not what they say that they do. See also, the “Douchey Dom” meme:

Douchey Dom: IT WASN'T RAPE … BECAUSE SHE PUT IT IN OUR NEGOTIATION CHECKLIST

Accessible description:

[Image: Screenshot of a computer program’s End User License Agreement that has been altered to read “Kinkster License Agreeement” with the program icon altered to be a BDSM pride flag. Text: “KINKSTER LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR BDSM PLAY (“SCENE”) SINGLE USE LICENSE. PLEASE READ THIS KINKSTER LICENSE AGREEMENT (“LICENSE”) CAREFULLY BEFORE CONSENTING TO ENGAGE IN BDSM PLAY (A “SCENE”). BY ENGAGING IN A SCENE, YOU ARE AGREEING TO BE BOUND BY THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THIS LICENSE, DO NOT ENGAGE IN BDSM PLAY. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THE LICENSE, YOU MAY CHALK UP YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH BDSM PLAY SO FAR AS “LESSON LEARNED” FOR A FULL REFUND OF YOUR CONSENT. FOR BDSM PLAY ALREADY EXPERIENCED BUT NO LONGER FEEL OKAY ABOUT, YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO CLAIM ANY VIOLATIONS DUE TO YOUR PRIOR AGREEMENT TO BE BOUND BY THIS LICENSE.]

ztvf7jsh8a
maymay:

TL;DR: Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud. There are a lot of risks that even “experienced breath play experts” don’t even know exist.
But the fact that there are a lot of ignorant “experts” in the BDSM Scene, and even more people who eagerly consent to putting their lives in these self-described expert’s hands (literally!) is not some kind of fluke about breath play, and that dynamic doesn’t only exist in the BDSM Scene.
Rather, it’s a fundamental supporting pillar of rape culture generally ("if it’s a legitimate rape, a woman’s body has ways of shutting that whole thing down", anyone?), which the BDSM Scene knowingly relies on in order to sustain its existence.
The BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts, relying on the fact that you won’t read the fine print before clicking on the proverbial “I consent” button.
unquietpirate:

vividvioletglow:

notfuckingcishet:

appropriately-inappropriate:

cumberbabeswillrise:

catpal6000:

fuckyeahkinkshaming:

staininyourbrain:

unapologeticradfem:

delicately-interconnected:

pornographicmeatnightmare:

burima:

naazaneen:

jennivudu:

PSA of the day.

Are you fucking kidding . This is so disgusting

wtf is this sociopathic trash. 

look at this piece of shit post. i hope the people who reblogged it uncritically get the shits for days man

THIS IS RAPE CULTURE. BDSM IS ABUSE.

It’s scary that so many people reblogged this without criticism. This is how normalized violence against women is in our culture.

what the actual fuck

AMAZING.
PSA
THERE’S NO SAFE WAY TO DO BREATH PLAY THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY TO DO BREATH PLAY SAFELY THERE IS NOT THERE IS NOT

but if a persons kink doesn’t hurt anybody and if both/all parties are down, isn’t a post about being safe in this situation a good thing?

If it’s a kink and you have a safeword and you and your partner listen to the safeword and are comfortable with doing breathplay then it’s fine. As long as you’re both careful and safe about it.

There is literally no such thing as safe breathplay.
Consent doesn’t mean you won’t get arrested for manslaughter if your play partner dies of a cardiac arrest.
Oh, lemme guess: you didn’t know that breathplay can cause a silent cardiac arrest in even the healthiest individual up to 45 minutes after play? And I’ll guess you didn’t know that a fractured hyoid bone—typical to strangulation or choking—is a life-threatening medical emergency?
Or that even three minutes of hypoxia can cause anoxic brain damage, which is cumulative and irreparable?
There is NO SUCH THING as safe breathplay and it is irresponsible in the extreme to suggest there is.

This is an excellent example of how ‘everything is fine between two concenting adults’ is sometimes just NOT TRUE. Safe breath play does not exist. And unless your kink is dying of brain damage of a blood clot some time after a play that ‘seemed to go well’, DO NOT DO IT. 
And ya know, stop unquestioningly believing what the BDSM world tells you. Stop believing that acts like this can be done safely but also stop believing that rape and abusive relationships don’t exist in the BDSM scene and that you should ignore the warning signs of abuse. Stop believing that a ‘sub’ who is not allowed to speak to others without permission is in a healthy relationship. Stop believing that people who complain about sexism or racism in play are just ‘kink shaming’. Stop believing that someone who reports having their consent violated just wasn’t clear enough about their safe words or ‘it’s probably all a big misunderstanding’. Stop believing that ‘privacy’ should include not naming rapists. 
Step back and really think about what is safe, what is ethical and what is rape culture and abuse. 

I don’t get it. If it’s okay to hold your breath why wouldn’t it be okay to have someone else hold your breath? I like having that done to me. I don’t ever do it for more than two minutes, usually more like 45 seconds. How could that be a health problem? Is there some kind of documentation?

I was talking to Maymay about this last night and I believe their exact words were, “Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud.” Apparently, some people think there are safe ways to do it, and other people think those people are insane.
The person who taught me how to do it said the trick is to hold your own breath at the same time you’re holding theirs, so that you make sure to let them breathe before you start getting lightheaded yourself. (She also used a pinching-the-nose-and-mouth-closed method, not a strangulation method.) That doesn’t seem fool-proof; different people have different lung capacities, and it doesn’t solve the issues of dangerous follow-up effects. But it made sense to me as a general rule. (And of course, I just trusted her because I saw her as a “Real Dom” and thus an “expert.”) That being said, I still don’t do it, because it makes me nervous. And because it’s not really my kink.
One major thing the OPs seemed to be pointing out is that the position depicted in the image — cutting someone’s air supply off by choking them — is never safe because of the fragility of the hyoid bone. The hyoid is a tiny, floating bone in the front of your throat that helps support your trachea as well as anchoring some of your tongue movements. It is often crushed when someone is choked or strangled. In massage school they taught us never to work in that area without very specific technical training, because the hyoid is an “endangerment zone.” Accidentally putting pressure on it has the potential to cause serious injury. So, yes, even though I could maybe countenance breath play in other ways, I would never consider it “safe” to do it the way it’s depicted in that image.
That doesn’t mean nobody should do it, or course. Risk-tolerance is a personal decision. It’s possible to have barrier-free sex with an HIV+ person and not contract HIV, and there might be lots of good reasons to choose to do so in certain situations. But it’d be pretty irresponsible to explain that to people by telling them barrier-free sex is no big deal and you probably won’t get HIV anyway as long as you wash your dick afterwards. Consent isn’t consent unless it’s informed. Lots of people in the Scene (and out of it) are probably agreeing to breath play without being meaningfully informed about the potential side-effects. That’s a problem. 
And it’s a problem with a lot of other stuff, also, such as people agreeing to enter full-time intimate “power exchange” relationships explicitly grounded in abuse dynamics, without being informed about the potential for acquiring PTSD even from activities they consented to. Again, I’m not saying nobody should ever choose to take that risk. For some people, long-term PTSD might be a price they’re willing to pay for a kind of intimacy that’s really important to them. I seriously empathize with that. But I’m saying people deserve to know what they’re signing up for. And the BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts.

Really great stuff here.
Also, the Douchey Dom meme is once again suddenly relevant:

maymay:

TL;DR: Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud. There are a lot of risks that even “experienced breath play experts” don’t even know exist.

But the fact that there are a lot of ignorant “experts” in the BDSM Scene, and even more people who eagerly consent to putting their lives in these self-described expert’s hands (literally!) is not some kind of fluke about breath play, and that dynamic doesn’t only exist in the BDSM Scene.

Rather, it’s a fundamental supporting pillar of rape culture generally ("if it’s a legitimate rape, a woman’s body has ways of shutting that whole thing down", anyone?), which the BDSM Scene knowingly relies on in order to sustain its existence.

The BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts, relying on the fact that you won’t read the fine print before clicking on the proverbial “I consent” button.

unquietpirate:

vividvioletglow:

notfuckingcishet:

appropriately-inappropriate:

cumberbabeswillrise:

catpal6000:

fuckyeahkinkshaming:

staininyourbrain:

unapologeticradfem:

delicately-interconnected:

pornographicmeatnightmare:

burima:

naazaneen:

jennivudu:

PSA of the day.

Are you fucking kidding . This is so disgusting

wtf is this sociopathic trash. 

look at this piece of shit post. i hope the people who reblogged it uncritically get the shits for days man

THIS IS RAPE CULTURE. BDSM IS ABUSE.

It’s scary that so many people reblogged this without criticism. This is how normalized violence against women is in our culture.

what the actual fuck

AMAZING.

PSA

THERE’S NO SAFE WAY TO DO BREATH PLAY THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY TO DO BREATH PLAY SAFELY THERE IS NOT THERE IS NOT

but if a persons kink doesn’t hurt anybody and if both/all parties are down, isn’t a post about being safe in this situation a good thing?

If it’s a kink and you have a safeword and you and your partner listen to the safeword and are comfortable with doing breathplay then it’s fine. As long as you’re both careful and safe about it.

There is literally no such thing as safe breathplay.

Consent doesn’t mean you won’t get arrested for manslaughter if your play partner dies of a cardiac arrest.

Oh, lemme guess: you didn’t know that breathplay can cause a silent cardiac arrest in even the healthiest individual up to 45 minutes after play? And I’ll guess you didn’t know that a fractured hyoid bone—typical to strangulation or choking—is a life-threatening medical emergency?

Or that even three minutes of hypoxia can cause anoxic brain damage, which is cumulative and irreparable?

There is NO SUCH THING as safe breathplay and it is irresponsible in the extreme to suggest there is.

This is an excellent example of how ‘everything is fine between two concenting adults’ is sometimes just NOT TRUE. Safe breath play does not exist. And unless your kink is dying of brain damage of a blood clot some time after a play that ‘seemed to go well’, DO NOT DO IT. 

And ya know, stop unquestioningly believing what the BDSM world tells you. Stop believing that acts like this can be done safely but also stop believing that rape and abusive relationships don’t exist in the BDSM scene and that you should ignore the warning signs of abuse. Stop believing that a ‘sub’ who is not allowed to speak to others without permission is in a healthy relationship. Stop believing that people who complain about sexism or racism in play are just ‘kink shaming’. Stop believing that someone who reports having their consent violated just wasn’t clear enough about their safe words or ‘it’s probably all a big misunderstanding’. Stop believing that ‘privacy’ should include not naming rapists. 

Step back and really think about what is safe, what is ethical and what is rape culture and abuse. 

I don’t get it. If it’s okay to hold your breath why wouldn’t it be okay to have someone else hold your breath? I like having that done to me. I don’t ever do it for more than two minutes, usually more like 45 seconds. How could that be a health problem? Is there some kind of documentation?

I was talking to Maymay about this last night and I believe their exact words were, “Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud.” Apparently, some people think there are safe ways to do it, and other people think those people are insane.

The person who taught me how to do it said the trick is to hold your own breath at the same time you’re holding theirs, so that you make sure to let them breathe before you start getting lightheaded yourself. (She also used a pinching-the-nose-and-mouth-closed method, not a strangulation method.) That doesn’t seem fool-proof; different people have different lung capacities, and it doesn’t solve the issues of dangerous follow-up effects. But it made sense to me as a general rule. (And of course, I just trusted her because I saw her as a “Real Dom” and thus an “expert.”) That being said, I still don’t do it, because it makes me nervous. And because it’s not really my kink.

One major thing the OPs seemed to be pointing out is that the position depicted in the image — cutting someone’s air supply off by choking them — is never safe because of the fragility of the hyoid bone. The hyoid is a tiny, floating bone in the front of your throat that helps support your trachea as well as anchoring some of your tongue movements. It is often crushed when someone is choked or strangled. In massage school they taught us never to work in that area without very specific technical training, because the hyoid is an “endangerment zone.” Accidentally putting pressure on it has the potential to cause serious injury. So, yes, even though I could maybe countenance breath play in other ways, I would never consider it “safe” to do it the way it’s depicted in that image.

That doesn’t mean nobody should do it, or course. Risk-tolerance is a personal decision. It’s possible to have barrier-free sex with an HIV+ person and not contract HIV, and there might be lots of good reasons to choose to do so in certain situations. But it’d be pretty irresponsible to explain that to people by telling them barrier-free sex is no big deal and you probably won’t get HIV anyway as long as you wash your dick afterwards. Consent isn’t consent unless it’s informed. Lots of people in the Scene (and out of it) are probably agreeing to breath play without being meaningfully informed about the potential side-effects. That’s a problem. 

And it’s a problem with a lot of other stuff, also, such as people agreeing to enter full-time intimate “power exchange” relationships explicitly grounded in abuse dynamics, without being informed about the potential for acquiring PTSD even from activities they consented to. Again, I’m not saying nobody should ever choose to take that risk. For some people, long-term PTSD might be a price they’re willing to pay for a kind of intimacy that’s really important to them. I seriously empathize with that. But I’m saying people deserve to know what they’re signing up for. And the BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts.

Really great stuff here.

Also, the Douchey Dom meme is once again suddenly relevant:

Douchey Dom: TOOK A ROPE BONDAGE CLASS ONCE … CALLS HIMSELF A "SHIBARI MASTER"

Douchey Dom: GAGS HER DURING SEX … CLAIMS "SHE NEVER SAID NO"

ztvf7jsh8a

maymay:

O look moar Douchey Dom memes!

(Here are the others I really liked. Make your own!)

This “violet wand” one is hilarious, too:

Douchey Dom: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY MY VIOLET WAND? … (THE VIOLET WAND IS MY PENIS.)"

And this isn’t really funny so much as a constant fucking endemic problem with these shitty people:

Douchey Dom: "SUB ACCUSES HIM OF VIOLATING HER CONSENT … TELLS WHOLE COMMUNITY 'SHE LIKES TO START DRAMA'"

I bet looking through the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife consent violation reports would provide sooooo much more fodder for this meme omg.

ztvf7jsh8a
Tue Jul 1

maymay:

Well, that was fast. More Douchey Dom images! :D I can’t wait to check back tomorrow to see what else y’all have come up with. (Here’s where you can make your own images.)

GAGS HER DURING SEX … CLAIMS “SHE NEVER SAID NO.”

TOP DROP … IS FOR SISSY DOMS.

OF COURSE DOMINANT WOMEN EXIST … THEY’RE WOMEN WHO HAVEN’T SUBMITTED TO ME YET

SUPPORTS GAY RIGHTS … BY MAKING LESBIAN PORN WITH HIS TWO GIRLFRIENDS

ISLAMOPHOBE … WANTS A “HAREM”

BDSM IS STILL TABOO … BUYS HOME DUNGEON EQUIPMENT FROM CORNER SEX SHOP

"YOU SHOULD BOTTOM BEFORE YOU TOP" … HAS NEVER BOTTOMED IN HIS LIFE

There’s more on the Douchey Dom page, too. Some are really, really funny! …in that douchey kind of way.

ztvf7jsh8a

maymay:

A few more Douchey Dom memes:

"ONLY YES MEANS YES." … "IF SHE DIDN’T SAFEWORD IT MEANS SHE WANTED IT."

"I’M AN OPPRESSED MINORITY." … EVERYTHING ON THE PLANET AFFIRMS HIS RAPE FETISH.

"LOVING DOMINANT" … "LOL 2 SUBMISSIVES IN A RELATIONSHIP? WHAT WOULD THEY EVEN DO?"

Here’s the original Douchey Dom set.

ztvf7jsh8a
maymay:

I present the world with a new meme: Douchey Dom!

CELEBRATES GAY RIGHTS
BY HOSTING ORGY THAT LOOKS LIKE GAY PEOPLE BEING PUT IN PRISON

Celebrating gay rights by hosting an orgy that depicted gay people being put in prison is actually a real thing this real man (Peter Acworth, CEO of Kink.com), did this LGBT Pride Month: Kink.com Prison-Themed Pride Party Ends With Arrests. And so I could think of no better image for the Douchey Dom meme than a real photograph of a real portrait of him.
Here’s another example:

Turn on CAPS LOCK and fly, my pretties, fly!
See also:
My unreal experience on the Kink, Inc. Armory Tour
Your kinks are not “BDSM.”

maymay:

I present the world with a new meme: Douchey Dom!

CELEBRATES GAY RIGHTS

BY HOSTING ORGY THAT LOOKS LIKE GAY PEOPLE BEING PUT IN PRISON

Celebrating gay rights by hosting an orgy that depicted gay people being put in prison is actually a real thing this real man (Peter Acworth, CEO of Kink.com), did this LGBT Pride Month: Kink.com Prison-Themed Pride Party Ends With Arrests. And so I could think of no better image for the Douchey Dom meme than a real photograph of a real portrait of him.

Here’s another example:

'Sexually Diverse' … Porn stash filled with skiny white women.

Turn on CAPS LOCK and fly, my pretties, fly!

See also:

ztvf7jsh8a

The important thing about “rolequeerness” is not that it has a word. It’s that there is a shared understanding of what the word “rolequeerness” MEANS: a traitorous relationship to one’s own placement in a privileged position, a subversive orientation towards one’s own power, a subservient mindset to people in a position with less power than yours, and a hundred million other ways to describe the same thing.

Ultimately, what I’m trying to say is that if you can actually write out the hundred million other ways to describe that idea in pieces of writing other people will actually read—whether in erotica or in essays—then, by all means, please do that.

maymay, Your Kinks Are Not “BDSM” (discussion)

(Source: unquietpirate, via maymay)

ztvf7jsh8a
Sun Jun 29
The BDSM subculture’s notions of “a D/s relationship” is a form of cultural programming much like mainstream culture’s default expectations of heterosexuality. But “D/s” is actually worse than straightness because rather than saying “given demographic A needs given demographic B to exist for sexual fulfillment,” as straightness dictates, what D/s says is: “given demographic S needs to be submissive to given demographic D for sexual fulfillment.” If the demographics you said that about were “women” and “men,” a lot of people would think you’re scum.

Excerpted from “The BDSM subculture’s ‘D/s’ is inherently an abuser dynamic,” itself part of a larger discussion juxtaposing the parallels between “Sub Drop” and trauma response.

Also, because I know it’s going to get the typical BDSM’er pushback of “don’t talk about BDSM if you don’t know anything about BDSM!!!1!!” I’ll just remind y’all that this quote is from someone who was a self-identified Submissive in the BDSM Scene for almost a decade, who gave presentations about BDSM at national BDSM conferences, and who is literally on the cover a BDSM research ethnography. Just. Sayin’.

(via maymay)
ztvf7jsh8a

Your kinks are not “BDSM”.

maymay:

I really like this clear description of the distinction between an individual’s kinks and the inherently abusive BDSM subculture, so I added a bunch of links into the text that provide more background and supporting context for the juxtaposition.

unquietpirate:

BDSM and “kink” are not interchangeable terms. Webster defines “kinky” as “marked by unconventional sexual preferences or behavior.” That’s a HUGE umbrella including basically any erotic desire or activity not considered normative in your cultural context. “BDSM” is an extremely narrow subset of kink.

And this is important: The BDSM subculture is defined and controlled by a tiny minority of sociopathic humans whose kink is acting out rape, torture, and abuse fantasies “for fun” i.e. without any meaningful consideration for what it means to enact those fantasies on human minds in the context of a world where rape, torture, and abuse are already broadly normalized.

In fact, the sheer blitheness with which BDSMers — both “tops” and “bottoms” — treat sexual violence as No Big Deal is part and parcel of their fetish. It’s not just that they find rape arousing. (Lots of people get turned on by thinking about rape. Truth.) It’s that they find it arousing *that* rape turns them on; instead of being turned on by rape and finding that, say, disturbing, or confusing, or at least worth asking questions about. Their kink is not for rape-play itself. Their kink is for rape apologism.

Here’s where you come in: This sociopathic sliver of wannabe (and often actual) rapists are not the majority of kink-loving people. They are not even the majority of the BDSM Scene. But they do tend to be very powerful, influential people in both the world and the Scene, and they have a lot of control over how people understand “alternative sexuality.”

The fact is that most of the erotic activities lumped together under the “BDSM” label have almost nothing to do with one another. But by co-opting a vast diversity of unrelated kinks and fetishes and calling all of them “BDSM” — as if that is a single way to play — the abuse fetishists have created a fiendish cover for themselves. They’ve suggested that BDSM is all one thing, and thus if you criticize anybody’s kinks, you’re criticizing EVERYBODY’s kinks.

There are lots of kinky ways to play that don’t involve apologizing for rape or trivializing abuse. My classic example is puppy play in which all of the players are puppies. Teasing your partner with ice cubes. Rope bondage for the comfort of constriction and the joy of knots. There are even erotic ways to (very, very carefully) explore themes of rape, torture, humiliation, slavery, gaslighting, and physical, sexual, and psychological abuse without apologizing for or downplay the severity of horror and trauma involved when those things happen in real life….

But the BDSMers have convinced their flock that if anybody questions themjacking each other off to the fantasy that “Sexual Violence is No Biggie,” then those critics are also threatening every person’s right to get their rocks off in whatever other kinky ways feel fulfilling to them. That it’s either an 100% abuse-trivializing no-holds-barred free-for-all or vanilla sex in the missionary position with the lights off forever — and that you’ve already chosen a side, because you let someone blindfold you and fuck you with a strap-on once and you really liked it, so it’s only a matter of time until you’re a gibbering desperate perverted mess of uncritical rape-loving jelly.

How have a handful of abusive sociopaths convinced thousands of otherwise thoughtful and compassionate people to stick up for them?

As an astute friend once pointed out to me:

“The pattern I’ve seen with BDSM’ers is *all about* exaggerating costs of failure; they want to believe they’re playing a higher-degree game than they are, and so they do all sorts of things to make that *appear* to be the case, even and especially when it’s not. This makes sense: the formalized BDSM structures are designed to put people who consent to uncomfortable experiences into uncomfortable situations, but not to the point of putting them in dangerous ones. Which means that BDSM’ers have a fantastically well-honed ability to dress up lower-degree [lower risk] games in the appearance of higher-degree [higher risk] games.”

They’re using you, kinksters with ethics, to protect themselves by convincing you that you and they are the same kind of people. But you’re probably not.

Meanwhile, the “kink shamers” have fallen right into the BDSMers’ trap by decrying ALL kinky eroticism “shameful” and making the BDSMers’ whisper campaign into a reality. By attacking “kink” as a whole and making it about random individual peoples’ sex lives, rather than specifically targeting the rape apologism and abuse denial of BDSM’s priesthood, they’ve pushed people with kinky desires but some skepticism towards the BDSM Scene, people who might otherwise be on the fence, right into the lion’s den. They’ve made the abuse-denying sociopaths’ prophecy self-fulfilling: “Anyone who’s a threat to us is a threat to you.”

Of course, I understand the desire to push back against anyone who is shaming and limiting your sexual expression. Erotic fulfillment is a core human need. But when you push back against the “kink shamers”, make sure you’re standing up for YOURSELF, not someone else. And stop enabling sociopathic abusers by describing your healthy, thoughtful, and ethical kinks as “BDSM”. Unless what you gets you hot is trivializing others’ experiences of abuse and violence, they’re not.

(Links added by me.)