BDSM and “kink” are not interchangeable terms. Webster defines “kinky” as “marked by unconventional sexual preferences or behavior.” That’s a HUGE umbrella including basically any erotic desire or activity not considered normative in your cultural context. “BDSM” is an extremely narrow subset of…
“There are lots of kinky ways to play that don’t involve apologizing for rape or trivializing abuse. My classic example is puppy play in which all of the players are puppies. Teasing your partner with ice cubes. Rope bondage for the comfort of constriction and the joy of knots. There are even erotic ways to (very, very carefully) explore themes of rape, torture, humiliation, slavery, gaslighting, and physical, sexual, and psychological abuse without apologizing for or downplay the severity of horror and trauma involved when those things happen in real life…”
Wrong.
Ice cubes are fine. Humiliation is not. Ever.
If you don’t understand why, if you don’t see the difference, you’re either lying or obtuse
See how they went from ice cubes to bondage as if they are in the same category. They like to obfuscate what kink actually is. I wouldn’t even call using ice cubes kinky. P.S. ‘puppy play’ is gross not cute.
The people behind this blog are willing to admit that abusive doms exist, but they won’t let go of the idea that re-enacting abuse is okay, despite its dangers, and despite of how incredibly offensive it is to survivors of abuse, both within and outside of the BDSM community. They want their cake and eat it too.
The “people behind this blog” — I suppose that’d be myself, and by extension Maymay, notfuckingcishet, and a number of other rolequeers — not only “admit that abusive doms exist.” Rather, we argue that all domination is abusive:
- Dominants are Rapists
- Explaining “Dominants are Rapists” in Excruciating Detail
- Submissive people don’t need dominants. Period.
And that BDSM’s sex-positive/libfem legalistic notion of “consent” (as a magic wand that makes abuse/rape/violence disappear) is deeply broken:
- You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense
- 3 Reasons Why Rape Fans on Both Sides of the Fence Hate Consent as a Felt Sense
And we are virulently opposed to the existence of BDSM and any apologetics for sexual domination.
We have never, ever made the argument that “re-enacting abuse is okay.” What we have said, again and again, is that people who are socialized in a culture that eroticizes abuse are going to internalize and erotically re-enact abuse whether that’s okay or not, and we need models for self-awareness, productive therapeutic processing, and harm reduction around that.
Simply shouting, “STOP IT! STOP IT! THAT’S BAD, STOP IT!” empirically has not worked. Ultimately, the type of shaming you espouse is a form of victim-blaming that primarily harms the most vulnerable people in these situations: people, particularly young women, who identify as “submissive.”
As former participants in and victims of BDSM ourselves, our critiques of BDSM culture are significantly more informed and exigetical than yours. We’re also significantly better placed than you and your finger-wagging brigade to help people who are trapped in the BDSM Scene actually escape from it. I’d suggest reading a little more deeply before throwing your played out, clichéd, predictable radfem criticisms around. They don’t apply here — certainly not in the way you expect.
The rolequeer blog is a good place to start reading. The Bandana Blog also has some more in depth work on this topic, and whatever bits and pieces of Maybemaimed.com you can figure out how to access. If you’re willing to educate yourself and develop a somewhat more nuanced perspective on ethics and human psychology, then we would very much welcome your perspective in this conversation. Otherwise, feel free to keep tilting at windmills while we’re over here actually working to prevent rape and support survivors. Thanks.
We are so much better at doing the thing radfems think they are doing than they are, it almost makes me pity them. Almost.