A naked man stands against a black backdrop with red ribbon tying his wrists behind his back.
This photograph was suggested by Rua, who wrote in saying:
I was talking to a submissive male on Collarme.com, and his userpicture really caught my eye. […} It’s a lovely shot, and I adore how it looks as though he’s a gift for the viewer. I’m sending you the link to his profile with his permission. :)
This really is a lovely photograph, especially for a user avatar on a dating site, so thanks to both Rua and the model for sending this in. When I saw this suggestion, two things struck me.
First, as it happens I find ribbons to be extremely sexy, and yet I’m well aware that they aren’t actually used much in the BDSM communities. They’re much more often found in romance novels where dominance and submission is more emphasized than sadomasochistic behavior. Perhaps “hard-core” BDSMers consider ribbons “not kinky enough.” Maybe ribbon’s softer, sensual reputation keeps it away from public play spaces. Whatever the reason, I think the irony of bondage devices used by “vanilla” people (not limited to ribbons, by the way—scarves, and suit ties are more examples) and disregarded by many in the BDSM communities should not go understated. The incessant conflation of “harder-core” with “better” is sickening.
Second, Rua described this man as a “submissive male.” This gets my analytical linguistic brain wondering, what is the difference between a “submissive male” and a “submissive man”? Because yes, there is a difference. In point of fact, as I write often, gender is not the same as sex and the words we use to communicate are the tools with which we teach each other—and our software—about ourselves, who we are, who we like, and why.